If You're Not Healed On The Inside, Nothing on The Outside Will Make A Difference

It is currently 5:30 in the morning. The only thing that crosses my mind right now is not why I'm awake, but why am I even writing this? Probably cause I don't care if I make a fool of myself.

Okay, so it's 7 in the evening.

It's been very cloudy in my head lately. I am not sure whether I'm really thinking what I'm thinking. I don't even know if this is supposed to be a blog post or something that should just end up as a diary entry.

I just wanted to know what Covid has been like for you. For anyone!

The first phase of my experience was the severe acne breakout that I suffered from last summer. I had to go through a full 6 month isotretinoin (accutane) course. My skin is all better now and I'm glad it gave me the courage to face one teeny bit of my insecurities.

Unfortunately, that was just the beginning.

I was an M.Phil. student at that time. Well, my university decided it would be amazing for us to finish a full semester within a month because they were too busy with M.Sc. students the whole first half of 2020! And also, start the second semester classes immediately after!

Get this, my whole life, I have never been studious. Thanks to moderately intelligent brain cells (that are currently typing rubbish), I could do fairly well in my exams with a day's effort. Also, since I was qualified for a Junior Research Fellowship in the UGC NET 2019, I could've easily gone for a direct Ph.D. I chose not to. I didn't want to jump steps in my research. I really wanted to learn.

I wanted to do everything so perfectly that I pushed myself. In fact, I didn't know where to stop. After a point, my brain could not take the pressure . I was having breakdowns every other day. I began doubting my choice of specialization, I began doubting whether I was capable enough to do this and even started hating economics from the bottom of my heart (I always found the subject rigid and futile to be honest).

So in December I decided to abandon my M.Phil. But that was not the mistake. It's what I did after.

The thought that I gave up my 40k stipend, that my parents were clearly disappointed in me and my career journey wasn't as smooth sailing as I wanted it to be practically pushed me to start preparing for the Civil Services Exam. Initially, it felt fine. But then I started pushing myself again. The fear of failure haunted me. This time the consequences were worse.

I could not continue my preparations beyond March. I got anxiety attacks in the middle of my study sessions and couldn't sleep at night. I stopped going out completely because I did not want people to ask "What are you doing nowadays?" What would I tell them? Nothing?

I still get anxiety attacks. I have practically become an insomniac. I feel worthless, unheard and misunderstood at times. Especially, all my attempts at opening up and breakdowns in front of people make me feel depressed. They always, always make me feel like I'm a waste of their time.

I do not understand why it has to be like this. Is it because no-one really cares? Or is it because they don't know how to? Is it because people think mental health issues are made up? Or do they not have the knowledge and the social freedom to offer a safe place to the people they care about the most? I want to know.

So, to anyone who's reading this, I want to hear your story. I want to hear anything you have to say. And if you're going through a difficult time, I hope you know you're not alone. Much love and strength to you.

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