Learning To Live With Borderline Personality Disorder

 

What are you thinking? Why are we suddenly discussing a random psychological illness? Well, it isn’t too random anymore, not to me.

I was misdiagnosed and it broke me

A lot is at stake when it comes to mental illnesses being diagnosed accurately. My first psychiatrist diagnosed me with anxiety disorder. The prescription had nothing else written on it, except for the two pills to be taken at night alongside a lone “Anxiety Disorder” hanging from the top. Not even the type of anxiety disorder I had. It didn’t matter then, I was truly glad to have gotten the sleeping pills. I slept well! Can you imagine?! I couldn't, really. 

Now I know all of it only made me feel emotionally confused, vulnerable, and full of self pity. I was empty, heartbroken.

A different kind of Durga Puja and my BPD diagnosis

It was officially the first day of the festival and I had an appointment with my new psychiatrist. Ma’am, if you’re reading this, I honestly didn’t know what to expect. It might just be that I hoped you'd tell me what kind of anxiety disorder I had. I could never have anticipated the questions that flooded me that day. I don’t even remember all of it.

I still have the memory of me having a breakdown in front of everyone, when asked about my self-harming episodes and suicidal intent. My heart was too heavy to not let go that day. 

I tried answering the questions, but everything was bundling up. I lost track of what to say when, how to explain myself. I thought I was being completely incomprehensible.

And, yet, that day I got diagnosed with depression and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It felt like someone was hugging my heart. Finally I knew why things happened the way they did for all these years. I didn’t cry, but my heart did. After so long.

What exactly is BPD?

As the name suggests, BPD is a personality disorder where the sufferer struggles with instability in every walk of life - mood, behavior, emotions, self-image, and relationships. It is a very common mental illness in our country and even more common for young women. BPD can make it difficult to maintain family, work, and interpersonal relationships. People with BPD often have problems regulating emotions, planning long-term, and tend to suffer from identity crises.

What BPD means for me

Frankly speaking, I don’t know. 

However, I do understand my fear of commitments better now, whether it be in relationships, regarding my career, or even with the very little things in life. I tend to overreact a lot. I have a tendency to lose my peace of mind over small fights and disagreements. I cannot take it when people shout at me, even if it’s just momentary. 

You probably wouldn't find a person who plays the loner role better than me, but I find it frightening when the people in my life become aloof. I push good things, good people and happy feelings away while expecting clarity in return. I know it’s messed up, but I can barely wrap my head around it, let alone fight and change it for the better.

For now, baby steps. I have pushed myself my entire life, but not anymore. I want to cherish the feeling of being understood, finally.

Dedicated to my psychiatrist. Ma’am, I’ll be forever grateful.

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