There's a devil in my head.

19/05/2026

Sometimes I wish I could do everything at once – like reading, writing, watching movies, taking a walk, cooking, listening to songs, studying – all of it together. Today I figured out why. People can’t sit with their thoughts only, isn’t it? Because some of those voices are too loud – too painful, too real, too messed up to handle without distracting oneself  by doing something or the other. Well, I guess I’m luckier. One or two distractions don’t keep those voices out of my head. They are so constant and so piercing that I think I need to engage every last cell of my brain and body in at least something trivial, if not completely self-destructive. And that is probably the frightening part — realizing how badly your own mind can exhaust you.

Well, I guess, all is not bad in living with voices in your head every waking hour of the day – you get a constant company, though not necessarily a good one – most often quite the opposite. In addition to being an overthinker, if you are neurodivergent and an empath, those chatters sure do feel like mini explosions inside the skull at times. But then, who isn’t a little insane, right? Maybe being human itself is a kind of madness. All of us are just better at hiding it from each other.

Sometimes my thoughts get all entangled in each other, they draw links from one another that don’t even exist in reality and it scares me. You know when dreams feel so real that you can’t tell if you were sleeping through it or it actually happened? That strange hallucination where reality feels thinner for a few seconds? Yeah, it’s kind of like that, except you have to give yourself reality checks 24×7.

And all of it is so tiring.

Not just mentally. Physically too. The kind of exhaustion that settles into your soul. The kind where you want to sleep forever just to escape your own head for a while. Except even sleep refuses to come easily. So you stay awake with the noise, and then wake up tired because the noise never really stopped in the first place. A never-ending loop. Day in, day out.

Sometimes I fear that one day I’ll simply become too tired. Too tired to think. Too tired to fight back against my own mind. Too tired to keep pretending everything feels manageable. Too tired to fend off whatever lives quietly inside my head waiting for moments of weakness. Too tired to face the world.

Maybe all of this is just the fearful chatter I've been desperately trying to ignore everyday or it might just be one of many coping mechanisms my mind has conjured up to give sense to this unending monologue between me and myself. Survival instincts afterall. 

Sadly, not much hope can be hope enough.